Samedi 14 novembre 2009
6
14
/11
/Nov
/2009
00:22
Amongst other thing, Trust has been my biggest issue this week. I used to not trust anyone, to show only one part of my complex personality (i'm totally screw up, somehow i've always been like
that but now i'm sure of it). Not a long ago, I've decided to open up, i thought it might help me, i might feel better with myself, i might be more confident, more at ease with people, that i
might stop being scare and worry about everything. But instead i've lost my safeness, i feel more vulnerable. Before, i used to be alone but safe, now i lost my cocoon and i feel that anything
and everything can hurt deeply, even thing which are not meant to matter. The only thing i still carry with me is loneliness, as far as i remember it has always been like that, i didn't fit in
the mould, i was not good enough (and it seems that still i'm not good enough). I feel that my entourage (i.e people who know me, or think they do) is judging me, the way i dress, the way i talk,
what i listen, what i watch, what i think, what i do, in short what i am, suck or is wrong. I feel dead in the inside (perhaps my problem is that i feel too much) this follows me since my
childhood, never been a happy kid but it never showed. The only thing people saw of me was my Happy-Go-Lucky part, and my good buddy but not-that-good-enough-to-create-a-stronger-bound-with-me
part, same old story since Elementary school, so i guess it's in me forever now. Nobody really knows me (well i think), because people think they can know me just by a glance, for people
physically strong and overweighed women seem to not have feelings, to be stupid, to be easy to fool and most of all to mock. When i was a kid if anyone who would have teased me he/she would
have received a good punch from me but now my heart bleeds and i cry thinking of it at late night in my bed (or writing an article, well tonight i'm in both cases). I'm so fragile, being weak
makes me sick, i don't have any control on my feelings, i'm mentally weak as would say my dear brother, the first timr he told me that i was like "no, come on it's not true" but actually he's
damn right. I'm sick of being depressed, it's taking my entire energy, i'm tired all the time, i feel better when i cry (sobbing before sleeping always helps you find more quickly sleep), i enjoy
listening to sad, depressing love or break up songs even though i'm not in a relationship and that i never broke up with anyone (you technically need to be in a relationship first to call it off
later) but those songs happen to create something in me, those words, this music full of pain and sorrow reminds me of mine, and reminds me that i've never had the "chance" to fell like this,
being torn by the pain of losing the love you shared with someone, knowing that this pain might take long to fade away before meeting again love around a corner, just by sharing a look with a
stranger who soon will become a part of your life, a part of you.
I'll cut if off because i can go on and on (i'm quite impressed by the English vocabulary that i acquired). i think that i'll go back to the way i was, i'll be like a castle that nobody could
take because my drawbridge would be lifted and the moat would be my ultimate protection. I've to learn to be cold-blooded will be hard but i can give it a shot.
